VIRGIN TERRITORY [R/NR]
review by Jeremiah Tash

Virgin Territory, starring dull Vader himself Hayden Christensen, veteran Tim Roth and “The OC” star Mischa Barton, is some sort of half-baked pitch, like “‘American Pie’ meets ‘Romeo and Juliet’,” gone haywire. The film, ostensibly a sex-romp set in plague-ridden 15th century Europe, plays out like a bad episode of “As the World Turns” or “Melrose Place,” only without the sharp pacing.

After watching a solid 30 minutes, you still don’t really understand the plot (though there seems to be one involving Tim Roth duplicitous scheme to marry the virgin played by Barton). Sure there’s some nudity and something inherently kinky in Renaissance-style soft-core porn, but this does not make for a film. And there’s a good reason; in spite of the cast of familiar names, this thing wasn’t released in theaters (which was a real act of mercy).

To Hayden Christensen’s credit, he plays to his acting strengths: posing as a deaf/mute in a nunnery so he can show them all a swingin’ good time. The characters all alternate acting within the time period to being characters in a cookie cutter “American Pie” sequel without being bothered with silly things continuity and suspension of disbelief.

The saddest thing about “Virgin Territory” is the fact that the script, while not great, isn’t nearly as terrible as the direction and overall execution, so you have to feel just a little bit badly for the actors who read it and agreed to appear in it (but not too badly). But honestly, if you want provocative fare just rent a Mexican movie: those are usually decent and have gratuitous nudity; if you want to watch Hayden Christensen act, go rent “Shattered Glass” (not “Star Wars”). If you want to be insulted and bored, by all means rent “Virgin Territory.” Watch it until the end just to see if you have the will power (and take a drink every time you wish its creators contract the Plague).

Jeremiah Tash is a regular contributor to the national network EDGE.