SUPERHERO MOVIE [PG-13]

Dear Mr. & Mr. Weinstein:

In that you did not take the time to screen in advance your latest pop culture spoof, Superhero Movie, I think it appropriate that someone like myself who was unfortunate enough to have to endure it opening weekend without the benefit of ether, vodka or a series of anesthetizing mallet strikes to the skull should not have to take the time to cover its release properly, either. That is why I am sitting in the back row of my local googolplex and reclaiming the two hours I lost watching it by writing this pissive entirely on my BlackBerry.

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21 [PG-13]

It is always an accomplishment when a director can take one of the most uninteresting subjects – in this case, card playing – and make it compelling. That’s what the makers of this hyperkinetic casino thriller have done in adapting Ben Mezrich’s book Bringing Down The House, in which the author chronicled the exploits of M.I.T. student (and Worcester native) Jeff Ma. Ma, along with five school friends, took Vegas for millions by counting cards at blackjack, in a story that just got curiouser and curiouser.

Jim Sturgess, the boyish singing star of Julie Taymor’s FabFourPalooza, Across The Universe, plays Ma’s proxy, Ben Campbell, a Boston kid at M.I.T. who is unable afford to accept Harvard’s recent offer to attend. However, when his math teacher, Micky Rosa (producer Kevin Spacey), singles him out for his ability, the scrappy Beantownie find himself learning the art of counting cards – a legal method of beating the house that’s not appreciated by the casinos – and on a plane to Vegas to shuck for the shady prof.

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STOP-LOSS [R]

Kimberly Peirce certainly doesn’t take on simple projects. After her tour-de-force debut directing Boys Don’t Cry, the auteur searched long and hard for subject matter – and it took her eight years to commit to this new material. Stop-Loss is a brave achievement, articulate and compelling both in its plot and in its overt assault on the Pentagon’s abuse of power during the Iraq War, and was well worth the wait.

The story centers on three Texas soldiers who return home at the end of a tour of duty in Iraq. The first, Tommy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), is a dedicated screw-up who can’t stop drinking long enough to appear respectable. The second, Steve (Channing Tatum), is a sharpshooter who’s as bullheaded and self-centered as they come. The last is Brandon King (Ryan Phillippe), who is decorated as a war hero, but then does the utterly unexpected when he’s told he’s being “stop-lossed” – meaning he’s forced to re-up by the government to prevent military attrition in lieu of a draft; feeling angry and betrayed, he goes AWOL.

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RUN FAT BOY RUN [PG-13]

English actor Simon Pegg brilliantly re-invented the zombie genre with Shaun of the Dead, a 2004 flick that explored the lighter side of the world (or London, anyway) being overrun with flesh-eating freaks, and a funny film that got him serious attention as an actor and writer. Why, it even opened the door to roles in films by zombie master George A. Romero, in both Land of the Dead and Diary of the Dead.

Then Pegg went on to co-write and star in Hot Fuzz (2007), again directed by his writing partner Edgar Wright, and though the result was less fresh and inventive than Shaun of the Dead, the movie served as a brilliant send-up of cop-buddy action flicks.

Now, with a new writing partner (Michael Ian Black) and a new director (David Schwimmer), Pegg tackles another well-worn genre film, that of the slacker dad who will do any crazy thing to earn his place as his son’s keeper and maybe, just maybe, win back the heart of the boy’s mother along the way. The name of this dubious project? Run Fat Boy Run.

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DRILLBIT TAYLOR [PG-13]

Less than five minutes into the latest Judd Apatow-produced future minor-minor classic, you might sense a certain retro vibe, and find yourself asking, “Why does this kind of feel like a John Hughes movie?” While it was, in fact produced by Apatow (Knocked Up) and written by Seth Rogen (Superbad), the titles credit one Edmond Dantes as co-author of the story, and Edmond Dantes (not the protagonist of The Count of Monte Cristo) is a pen name used by former ‘80s titan John Hughes. And how does the convergence of two comedy gods translate? Well enough to make grown-ups not resentful of investing the time sharing with their kids a good laugh (or an “LOL” as the kids call it today).

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SOUTHLAND TALES [R]

It’s a proven fact that if you bait a hook with a deliciously dark treat like Donnie Darko, fans will rabidly clamor for more. When news first broke that the 2001 cult film’s director, Richard Kelly, would direct a Matrix-like sci-fi ensemble piece about the end of America, fans got all tingly, not having been sated by the Kelly-penned Kiera Knightley action dud, Domino. When 2006 came and went with only the Cannes crowd peeping mysteries of Southland Tales, those formerly giddy fans started to grumble, “When are they going to release it?” A year-and-a-half later, those same fans will finally get to see it, changing their tunes and asking, “Why are they going to release it?”

Dwayne Johnson, dropping the “The Rock” moniker for the first time (perhaps out of embarrassment after having seen the film), plays a movie action hero who stumbles upon a conspiracy to control the world. Another wrestler – Roddy Piper – made a movie with John Carpenter in 1988 called They Live; it was smart and succinct and didn’t pretend to be anything more than an ironic, “Twilight Zone” styled entertainment. Kelly’s bloated, overreaching indulgence, though, is like a gin-soaked subway busker shamelessly seeking praise for getting through a verse of “My Way” without a mistake, or a child who has graduated to Crayolas after and extended painting-with-poo period. It’s that much of a jalopy, and it’s an insult to endure.

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NANKING [R]

In 1937, the Japanese Army occupied the then capital of China, Nanking. The city had no strategic value and the wealthy and the politicians had abandoned it, leaving hundreds of thousands less fortunate without food, water and electricity. And, they must face the unbridled hatred of their occupiers who believe in the Three Alls – Kill All, Burn All, Loot All. The story of what is considered one of the greatest human atrocities of all time is brought to the screen in Nanking.

Multi-hyphenate documentary filmmakers Bill Guttentag and Dan Sturman weave an intricate account of the Japanese invasion of China as it focuses on the inhabitants of Nanking. Inspired by the Iris Chang novel, The Rape of Nanking, Guttentag and Sturman put together hundreds of hours of newsreel footage, interviews with Chinese survivors and Japanese soldiers and staged readings by a notable cast to tell this violent and emotional story.

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The third official movie version of Richard Matheson’s classic 1954 sci-fi novel (fourth if you count last year’s direct-to-DVD cheapie I Am Omega) hit theaters last year just before Christmas, and while it made buckets full of duckets for studio Warner Brothers, many were put off by its “down” ending. However, the DVD and Blu-Ray hitting stores today has director Francis Lawrence’s alternate ending in which…oh, we don’t want to spoil it for you. The ending does not explain any further the title of the book, and it ultimately plays like the too-happy theatrical ending of the 1982 classic Blade Runner, but man – if it ain’t powerful. If you want to see it for yourself, click on the photo at the right to be taken to FirstShowing.net’s page, which also goes into some more detail about the whole thing.

Fans of Matheson’s novel might lament this bit of news, though…shortly after Warner’s worldwide December cash-valanche, the studio secured sequel rights with the author, and presently, IMDB.com lists I Am Legend 2 as being tentative for 2010.

[Click to read our review of I Am Legend.]

DOOMSDAY [R]

Considering that the last Mad Max movie came out way back in 1985, and the last Escape From New York was in 1996 (and sucky), writer-director Neil Marshall’s post-Plague apocalyptic action thriller is just that much more fun. Rhona Mitra (”Boston Legal”), who kicks as much butt as Angelina Jolie in “Tomb Raider” and Kate Beckinsale in “Underworld” (and is actually subbing for Beckinsale in the second sequel, next year), is a great choice to play Eden, Marshall’s proxy Snake Plissken, a sexy, one-eyed gal of action whom any thug would find great pleasure in being mortally dispatched by.

It is 2035, a full quarter century since “The Reaper Virus” decimated the population of Scotland and prompted a British quarantine [insert first-year history major’s uninsightful irony here]. She and her fellow future soldiers enter the walled quarantine zone so that they might find the cure for swift and grisly microscopic killer that turns people into oven-fresh lasagna. They soon realize that the cure is actually in the blood of a handful of seemingly immune survivors…who have reverted to a brutal, feudal state (but have still managed to continue to find a dependable source for their considerable Manic Panic and trendy bondage wear needs).

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HORTON HEARS A WHO! [G]

What would be a major crime? Writing Horton up in rhyme. So don’t worry, we have the good sense not to attempt it. Fortunately, the folks at studio Fox had the good sense not to attempt a live-action version of Dr. Seuss’s 1954 book, instead animating it and nicking super-sensible Pixar stalwart Jimmy Hayward to helm it. Yes folks, it’s good. Better than good, even…

Fox must have preemptively considered Ron Howard’s 2000 live-action adaptation of How The Grinch Stole Christmas starring Horton vox Jim Carrey, which is best described as a well-intentioned disappointment, and the 2003 live-action version of The Cat In The Hat starring Mike Myers, which is best described as a total colonic evacuation. No, they instead went the CGI route on this one, and thankfully, went for the look of the familiar Seuss caricatures, rather than the photorealistic (except for the dead eyes – my God they have dead eyes!) style of Robert Zemeckis’s cryptically perennial 2004 Tom Hanks-as-scary-Christmas-hobo opus, The Polar Express.

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