GROUSE IN DA HOUSE

Last week, Knoxville, Tenn.-based Regal Cinemas announced the rollout in 114 theatres across the United States their new “Regal Guest Response System,” a handheld unit that allows members of the theatre chain’s Regal Crown Club “loyalty program” to alert theatre management to a variety of in-theatre distractions. Its four buttons, marked “Picture,” “Sound,” “Piracy” and “Other Disturbance” allow users to gripe and tattle remotely and anonymously…for extra points toward free popcorn, soft drinks and movie tickets. In theory, this is a good idea — at least the “Picture” and “Sound” button, considering that multiplexes such as Regal’s are mostly automated, without a dedicated projectionist monitoring the quality of the presentation. The other two buttons are likely to get less use, especially in urban areas where the amount of pistols and paranoia run high. It seems very Diary Of Anne Frank, currying favor with the higher-ups by tattling. I don’t see a lot of people rushing to sign up to be what is essentially a glorified hall monitor. Is it so expensive to go to the movies that one would risk being shanked or stomped in the parking lot? I’ll continue sneaking my food in, and complaining after about crappy presentation for my free tickets. Leave the dime-dropping to the narcs and self-important busybodies — I’m minding my own business and staying out of the emergency room and corporate databases. –Robert Newton